hello empty animal
by callmesandy
Summary: After Iron Man 2, Tony and Pepper can't make it work, and then there's Natasha. Which shouldn't work. (past Pepper/Tony, story is Tony/Natasha.)


Notes: Not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Alexander Scalfano's There's No One Here. Thanks to A for beta help.

* * *

 _I am glimpse in your double take_  
 _I love you crazy from my dart away_  
 _with my cunning which is_  
 _the kind that seems misinformed_  
 _so that when I meet a fox in human skin_  
 _he will say hello empty animal_  
 _I will say yes to false yes to poor tailoring_

When Tony gets close up, he can see Natasha's scars. Tiny faint white lines, paler than her skin. It's the ones near the top of her thighs, near her vulva that nearly kill his erection. But it's her skin and her life and he will never do that to her. Instead he kisses her there and there, his calloused fingertips opening her up, he licks her softly, like a taste. Natasha shifts, legs wider, a sigh on her breath. So he's doing good. He keeps doing good, having discovered already which combination of his tongue and her clit makes her wet and happy. He's playful and slow, but he has two and then three fingers pushing in her vagina and pulling out and pushing in again.

She groans a little and says, "Fuck me, with your dick."

"Where do you want me?"

He hears her faint chuckle as she quickly rolls him onto his back and then her hands are like, like she invented the hand job with the way she is somehow making him harder and he was insanely hard as soon as they were naked on the bed. Then she says, "Open your eyes. I don't want you picturing anyone else."

"It's not possible," he says, barely breathing as she lowers herself on his dick. She rides his dick, tight on him, playing with herself as he's balls deep inside her. She leans over a little and he can grab her breasts, even though grab is the wrong word, he reaches for them and caresses them, he appreciates her breasts and nipples like a piece of art.

He comes first, of course, he's not Sting here, and lasting this long with Natasha on top is an accomplishment, frankly. He would brag if he were an asshole or 10 years younger.

She comes and spends a few seconds breathing heavily next to him. Then she gets up to clean herself up and cleans him up. "So," she says.

"I think we have a definite thing here. Sex-wise."

She faintly rolls her eyes. "Of course we do."

"We can talk, too, if you want. I would want. You're smart and interesting."

Natasha outrights laughs. "I appreciate the compliment. Let's see what happens next."

!

Rhodey says, "Four months since you and Pepper abandoned the idea of making a real relationship -"

"We tried, we thoroughly examined how things were with us and we concluded for both of us to be happy it wasn't going to happen in a romantic relationship. She deserves better -"

"You're a coward," Rhodey says.

"I'm not," Tony says. "I bring danger into her life and I'm not going to stop and both of us have spent a lot of time waiting for each other in unhealthy ways and now we're not. And look, she's already found a great guy."

"He's a sculptor," Rhodey says with a weird tone.

"He's a gifted artist, I kept two of his pieces when Pepper and I split the art collection. See, we can do things like, we can share things and she can run the company and always be there for each other, like you and me."

Rhodey just looks at him. Then he says, "You're the one fucking some super secret agent spy. Look, I've heard about Black Widow. She used to work for the KGB."

"She doesn't anymore," Tony says. "She and Pepper are friends, Pepper practically shoved her in my bed."

"I don't agree with any of your life decisions right now," Rhodey says.

Tony looks up from computer screen. "So I should stop making these improvements to your War Machine suit. I've removed all the Hammer shit, it'll be fine, you can fly off."

Rhodey says, "You know what I meant."

"You disagree with my life decisions, except where I'm helping you. I'm clear, buddy."

!

"Did you bring me grocery shopping just to make fun of me?" Tony keeps pushing the cart down the aisle. The damn cart squeaks and it's killing Tony not to fix it. Obadiah took Tony grocery shopping once when he was 15, Tony only remembers the man carefully examining the ingredients list of two different cans of tomato sauce.

Natasha says, "You wanted to hang out this week, my apartment needs food. And some other things." She tosses toilet paper in the cart.

"Because you only live there one week a year," Tony says quietly.

"Sometimes less," Natasha says. "Is this your first time in a grocery store?"

"No," Tony says. "No, the millionaire from birth now billionaire has in fact more than once done actual grocery shopping."

"Not counting when you were high and getting twinkies or condoms," Natasha says. She has a slight smile.

"That only knocks out about half. Come on, let's get the stuff, get out of here," Tony says.

"Are you nervous?" Natasha almost sounds sincere with him.

"Isn't everyone on the verge of a complete panic attack in a grocery store?"

Natasha just looks at him. He senses the answer is no. They get food for a week, toiletries, and wine. He pays. They drive home in the determinedly nondescript Honda Natasha had stashed in the parking lot of her place. "I could get us much better wine," Tony says. "Is this some sort of weird test? Can I live like an average joe? Is that important to you?"

"The wine we bought is fine," Natasha says. "I don't need the most expensive thing every single time."

"Am I supposed to learn a lesson?"

"It's not, but I'm learning a lot about you," Natasha says.

"Good," Tony says. "I want to learn a lot about you, too."

"I thought your plans for the week were sex and food," Natasha says.

"I'm not, you know what? I do actually want to learn about you. I don't want just sex in random intervals," Tony says. They've pulled into the parking lot of Natasha's apartment.

"Unlike every relationship you've had," Natasha says.

"Not true," Tony says. "Maybe I've outgrown that shit. Maybe even my brief relationship with Pepper made me think I could have so much more, you know?"

"I don't know," Natasha says. "What makes you think I want that?"

Tony sighs. "I hope you do. How's that?"

She stares at him and then says, "Our food will melt and go bad if we don't get inside."

They put away the groceries in a refrigerator empty of everything but baking soda. Then Natasha drags him back into the bedroom. She's quickly naked and he is not as quick, but still gets there. She says, "You be on top this time."

"I'm never on top with you technically but sure, I'll be above you while we fuck," Tony says.

They make out, fondle, and finger each other. When he is on top of her, her thighs are tight on his hips, guiding his every thrust in. She manages to come first, too.

When it's time for bed, she wears pink and yellow striped boyshorts and a tank top that implies she's a member of Tri-Delt. "Who'd you steal that from?"

"Who says I stole it? She left it here," Natasha says.

"Are you implying you slept with a sorority girl?"

Natasha opens her mouth and closes. Then she says, "I was going to make a joke. But you want more, right? Not just cheesy jokes about the women I've slept with."

"I don't mind the cheesy jokes or stories about the women you've slept with," he says. She's still getting into bed and he holds one of her feet briefly. "I dated a ballet dancer for a short time when I was younger. I was absolutely obsessed with improving toe shoes. Something that would be better than that box and wouldn't mangle their feet."

"I thought I was a dancer," Natasha says. "I really did have some of the training but most of it was brainwashing by the Red Room to cover the part where they trained me to kill."

"Do you know what part is real?"

"Mostly," Natasha says. She turns off the light. He suspects she prefers saying these things without seeing his face. "SHIELD helped. Clint brought me in instead of killing me and SHIELD helped with my memories."

"Part of the deal?"

He feels her shrug against his shoulder. "Did you make the better toe shoe?"

"I didn't," Tony says. "I broke up with the original ballerina I was seeing, probably because I started sleeping with some of the other dancers I had roped into the test. But mostly I could never find the right material for the box that felt right to the dancers. It was too soft or had too much give. I should try again."

"After you remodel all my equipment and my uniform?"

"After that," Tony says. He turns on his side. This is how they sleep, him on his side, her on her side facing him, her head tucked into his chest. He rubs her hair. "I want you safe." After a few moments, he says, "Barton's been your partner since he brought you in?"

"Basically. If you were wondering, he's more important to me than you," she says. But she falls asleep in his arms that night.

!

Happy says, "Her SHIELD partner, they're real close, right?"

"Almost certainly having sex close, yes," Tony says.

"You should dump her," Happy says. He's doing Tony a favor, driving him from LA to San Francisco. Both Happy and Tony know it's an excuse for the two of them to talk.

"Nope," Tony says. "We're still working on this relationship."

"Oh, okay," Happy says. "Pepper's got a great guy, that artist guy -"

"Sculptor," Tony says.

"That guy isn't sleeping with anyone else. He adores Pepper. He's way better for her than you were," Happy says.

"I know, they're engaged," Tony says.

"They are?"

"Just because she told me first doesn't mean you're not invited to the wedding," Tony says. "See, Pepper and I are good. We confide. We talk."

"As opposed to Natalie?"

"Her name is Natasha," Tony says. "The name she uses. Most of the time."

"Yeah, you guys are going places."

"I've made some great improvements in her equipment," Tony says.

"That's not even a euphemism, you really have been Iron Man-ing up her stuff," Happy says. "She is pretty hot."

"Incredibly so," Tony says. "And she's going to introduce me to her partner. So we're getting more serious."

"She seems like she would be really hot in bed," Happy says. "She's very bendy."

"I'm good in bed. I'm bendy. I take yoga and practice various forms of judo. I'm awesome," Tony says.

"You're not going to say anything about how she is in bed, I get it," Happy says. "Pretty nice attitude for someone who's banging you and her partner."

"I am a nice guy, thank you," Tony says.

!

Tony's met Clint at least three times before this time. Clint's a good guy, the strong, silent type with great arms. Tony immediately offered to help upgrade Clint's arrows and equipment. "He loves doing that," Natasha said, slightly rolling her eyes.

"And you like what I've done for you," Tony said, trying to sound less whiny than he felt. She loved what he'd done for her.

"I know she does, thank you," Clint said. He handed over his quiver and said, "Go for it."

This time, Natasha is taking him to some super secret place where Clint is. They drive and then she flies a quinjet.

Tony looks over at her and says, "I know you're sleeping with him. With him as well."

"Took you three months to say that out loud," Natasha says.

"Well, I thought, you know, I'd see how things were going, how much I cared about it," Tony says.

"You care about it," Natasha says. "Are you going to ask me to stop?"

"No way," Tony says. "Not until I know I have a chance of the answer being yes. In the meantime, yes, I know, and I'm good with it. I know it doesn't matter if I am in the grand scheme of things since it's always been clear that when asked to pick him or me, you would always pick him. But I am good with it."

"You're really convinced that you don't matter to me," Natasha says. "You're wrong."

"That's, that is very nice to hear," Tony says.

They fly into a field. There's a barn and a house and fields. There's a woman and a man and tiny children people standing there, waving. The man is Clint. "Barton is married. With children."

"Yes," Natasha says. "Now the people who know that is me, Fury, and you."

"And, I presume, the tiny children over there."

"Those kids love me, mister," Natasha says, proudly.

The wife is pretty hot, seems nice. She makes them dinner and keeps saying how much Natasha talks about Tony. Tony looks over at Natasha, mystified. But it seems to be the truth. Wife Laura takes Tony to the barn to look over their tractor. "She really likes you," Laura says.

"She likes Clint more," Tony says. It occurs to him that could be a mean thing to say, but it's clear from Laura's serene expression she knows, doesn't care.

"Those two," Laura says and laughs. "Are you going to juice this up? Natasha implied you'd be able to make it fly."

"I could, but is that really what you want from a tractor?"

"Not in the slightest," Laura says. "More fuel efficient, though, that I would love."

Tony gets into bed after dinner alone. He brought reading material, all loaded on his tablet. He's read three hundred pages or so when Natasha comes into their room. She's just showered, in a thick robe. She's grinning like she's stoned or drunk except he's never seen her like that. "Did you just have a threesome and come back to me to get laid again?"

"Don't pretend that doesn't turn you on," Natasha says, smiling.

"This is an exciting side to you," Tony says. "And yes, I'm unbelievably turned on. I was just reading about molecular analysis and you know how hard that gets me."

Natasha literally giggles as she shrugs off her robe. She pulls down the sheets and gets on top of him. "Tony," she says.

No foreplay, but a few firm touches on his already hard dick and she's already wet and open so she lowers herself on him, still smiling. She still makes him work, he thrusts up and grabs her hips, making new bruises. Natasha chants "fuck, fuck, harder" and he does his best to oblige. Sex with her should really be qualified as a transcendent experience if it weren't so earthy and dirty and nasty. She covers his mouth when he comes.

"There are children trying to sleep," Natasha says. She comes and by the time she gets back in bed, still naked, he's almost already asleep.

They stay for three more days, but there are no more sexy threesomes that Tony's aware of. He tries not to monitor her. At dinner on the last night, Wife Laura says, "I saw the pictures of Pepper Potts's wedding, Nat, you looked amazing."

"I hope no one else recognized me," Natasha says. "It's weird you brought a plus one," she says to Tony.

"You were already invited, I didn't need a plus one," Tony says. "Pepper wanted you there."

Clint says, "Did you really give her a third of your company as a wedding gift?"

"I own, or owned 75% of the stock of Stark Industries, I gave her 33%. Of the stock in Stark Industries, not 33% of my 75%," Tony says. "She's the CEO. She's probably going to have little gifted sculptor babies and she should have something to leave them besides whatever she accumulates from her extremely high salary."

"You're very nice to your ex-girlfriend," Laura says.

"I'm a very nice guy," Tony says. Natasha laughs.

!

Coulson breaks into Stark Tower with his fancy SHIELD ways. Tony had just finished taking the Tower off the grid. He had plans to celebrate with his hand, some vivid memories of Natasha and maybe a little champagne.

Coulson says, "Barton's been compromised."

"Fury knows," Tony says, thinking of Laura and the kids.

"Everyone's safe," Coulson says. "As safe as they can be with what's going on. Natasha's off finding Bruce Banner."

"I can do that," Tony says. "Is she safe?"

Coulson nearly smiles. "She will be fine. You have some things to read."

Tony gets to work on everything he needs to know. Fury sends him to Stuttgart and he arrives in time to see the great Steve Rogers in the flesh. Tony focuses on the task at hand.

He gets in the quinjet and retracts the metal on his hand to touch Natasha. She looks unbelievably tense. He says, "How are you doing?"

"Business as usual," Natasha says. "We need to get back to the helicarrier. Banner's there, by the way."

"I look forward to meeting him," Tony says. "Did Barton tell you anything about this Tesseract thing?"

Natasha clenches her jaw. "He didn't. Missions are compartmentalized."

"When we get to the helicarrier, I've got a way to track him," Tony says.

"You never told him about that," Natasha says. She has a ghost of a smile.

"It wasn't intentional. I like to monitor performance of my tech, and believe it or not, I am generally concerned about the guy who spends most of his time watching your ass," Tony says.

He notices Rogers glancing at the two of them, eyes narrowed. "She's my Peggy Carter," Tony says, "only more Russian and less carry her picture in my compass."

Rogers just stares. "I grew up with a father who wouldn't shut up about you, and lots of visits to Aunt Peggy, okay?"

Then they meet Thor. Then they're on the helicarrier. Then Tony breaks into Fury's computer. Then he argues with Steve. They all end up arguing in the lab when Tony's secondary search alarm goes off. "Nat," he says. "I've found Clint."

Nearly everyone shuts up. Tony says, "And the bad news is he's flying towards us." Tony races off and suits up, using every bit of speed he has to get to the quinjet before Barton can do anything he'll regret even more than everything he's already done.

Tony grabs Barton from the jet by the neck. Even held by the neck in an Iron Man grip, Barton fights like the devil, jabbing at the suit with an acid arrow. Tony flies faster away from the jet, blasts it so the damn thing crashes. Unfortunately it crashes into the helicarrier and Jarvis informs Tony that the men on the plane are swarming the helicarrier. "Come on, Clint," Tony says.

He knocks out Clint with a hard one to the noggin and makes sure the guy's strapped in. There's a lot of fighting.

Hours and hours later, Tony is flying a nuke into a wormhole. "Natasha," he says.

"Tony," she says.

"If I don't come back, I hate to tell you this, but you'll have 20% of Stark Industries," he says, flying higher and higher.

"Come back or I'm going to start selling weapons again, really nasty ones. Come back," she says. She almost sounds tearful.

He flies up.

He dies.

He opens his eyes and sees the blue sky, buildings damaged, Natasha in his ear saying "TONY."

"Baby, shush," Tony says. "I'm here. Stop thinking about how you'll convince Pepper to sell weapons."

!

"Wow, so when are you due?"

Pepper says, "In 17 weeks," smiling. "Why are you here in New York alone? Where's Nat? Rhodey said you almost died."

"I did die," Tony says, looking over his computer screen, reading nothing. "Clint has guilt and post-brain fuckery, and no one is more of an expert on those things than Nat so she's hanging with him for a little while. She calls me, don't worry. Oh, when I was about to die, I told Nat about me leaving her my Stark stock and she threatened to start selling weapons again. So if I kick it again, you should be prepared for that." He smiles at Pepper as she pulls her chair next to his.

They have plans for rebuilding the parts of New York City that were damaged and also owned by Stark Industries. He says, "Seriously, congratulations, again, you're going to be a great mom."

"I hope so," Pepper says. "Guess what middle name we've settled on?"

"Please don't say Anthony," Tony says, staring at her.

"Antonia if she's a girl," Pepper says. "It was his idea, not mine."

"That's nuts," Tony says.

"Like you leaving all your Stark stock to Nat," Pepper says.

"It's not all of it. If I die, you get some of it, too. Enough to be the majority owner, the rest goes to Nat. Minus about 5% to Rhodey. You'll be fine," Tony says.

"If you guys break up, you should keep her in the will, I feel good about her business instincts," Pepper says.

"It's nice you say 'if,' no one else does. I hear a lot of when," Tony says.

"I believe you love her and she loves you," Pepper says.

"That's not why people say when we break up," Tony says. "Antonia? Antoinette is prettier, frankly."

"It makes me think of Marie Antoinette," Pepper says. "You use it for your kids."

"Nat can't have kids," Tony says, without thinking. "It's one of the benefits of being raised by the KGB to be an assassin. They sterilized her." He blinks and looks back at Pepper. "She would kill me if she knew I told."

"How did you find out?"

"She told me," Tony says. "Seriously, not joking about the killing me part."

"I will never tell," Pepper says. She touches Tony's hand and pulls back. "Are you okay?"

"Always," Tony says.

!

Like a bomb going off in his brain, everything goes to shit exactly three months after New York. Tony can't sleep, when he does it's nightmares. All he does is tinker, and tinker. He's made Clint 25 new arrows. He's redesigned Natasha's suit 14 times, all to make it more secure but flexible. He adds new weapons. He has 20 new suits.

Natasha comes to visit. She doesn't seem to stay over. She sets his teeth on edge. "What's with the visiting? We were sort of living together, we were close to it, and now I'm your pit stop?"

"You're yelling," she says.

"I'm sorry, does that offend you?"

"It worries me," Natasha says. She looks at him calmly, like a target. "You're not sleeping well."

"I've never slept well, you might remember from when we shared a bed on a regular basis," Tony says.

"You sleep worse now," Natasha says. "You're irritable, too."

"Of course I'm irritable, you're breaking up with me by slowly untangling yourself from me. It makes me irritable," he says.

"I'm not breaking up with you," she says. "Tony." She says his name like she said it when he was going to die.

"Where have you been?"

"Right here," Natasha says. "If you were thinking rationally and getting enough sleep, you'd know I've been here about as much if not more than before. Jarvis?"

"She is correct, sir," Jarvis lies. Tony doesn't know why his AI is lying, but he knows it is.

"Fine," Tony says.

"Tony," she says again. She touches his shoulder and he flinches. "I think you need help."

"I'm good."

"I think you need help," she says. "I know a guy, he's good. It's okay if you're fucked in the head. We all are. He was married to a SHIELD agent."

"I can't wait to get advice from some guy who couldn't make his own marriage work," he says.

Natasha enfolds him in her exceedingly strong arms. She says, "This is the one moment when I'm going to find your defensiveness cute. Limited time offer."

"I didn't say I'd see your damn shrink," he says.

!

Nat's shrink is an incredibly attractive man. "Why are you here?"

Tony says, "My girlfriend made me. Tell me, which do you like better; Antonia or Antoinette?"

Andy the Shrink flinches for a split second. Tony used to be much better at that and he enjoyed it more. Spot the weakness and exploit it. One of his shrinks told him it was the kind of thing damaged children do, a protective behavior. Tony thinks it's genetic, asshole dad fathers asshole son. Andy says, "Is this how you deal with your therapy? Attack and attack and wait for me to explode and kick you out?"

"Basically," Tony says. "I wasn't trying to attack there, I was trying to talk about anything except why I'm here."

"How many therapists and psychiatrists have you seen?"

"Lots," Tony says. "A few court appointed ones, those were easy. Not only would they kick me out, they were broke public servants who happily accepted my money to pretend I went to every session. My dad's money in some cases. He was always happy to smooth things over so I wasn't a bother. Then later, they wouldn't even arrest me but Obie would make me put on a show to appease the stockholders. Those shrinks were more expensive to bribe."

"Obie is Obadiah Stane?"

"Yes, yes, he was. I called him Obie because I grew up with him and he was my dad's best friend and I still called him that when he went behind my back and sold our weapons to whomever wanted them and then when he tried to have me killed and then when he tried to kill me," Tony says.

Andy the Shrink just stares. Tony says, "Whatever. Did you want to talk about that? We can talk about how I died, or stick with the stepfather figure who knifed me in the back and front?"

"We would actually talk?" Andy smiles.

"Probably not," Tony says. "Before I died, hours before, I was calling this, this in my chest, a terrible privilege. I only have that because of Obie. So really, it all works out for the best."

"Is that how you view it?"

"Nice open ended question, very well done. Is that how I view it? Sometimes. Sometimes I act like a deeply wounded little puppy dog because chicks dig it," Tony says.

"Use it a lot lately?"

"No," Tony says. "I have a girlfriend. The one you know. She doesn't respond to sad wounded boys. Sometimes I'm not even sure she likes me," Tony says.

"Really?" Andy frowns. "You're genuinely unsure if she feels affection for you?"

"No, of course not," Tony says. "She doesn't spend time with people she doesn't like when it's not an order."

"When you remember events before Obadiah died, are they colored by what you know now?"

"I don't spend a lot of time looking back," Tony says.

"So you never think about him?" Andy looks pensive.

"Not back to then," Tony says.

"But you just said you were referring to becoming Iron Man as something Obadiah Stane caused. So you were thinking of him just now," Andy says.

"That's a stretch," Tony says. "I'm a very busy man. I do a lot of things, invent, create, tinker, fuck, all of that. Not a lot of time spent singing 'those were the days' and definitely not about Obie."

"You didn't list sleep," Andy Pandy says.

"I don't sleep a lot," Tony says. "Are you salivating over that? Do you want to talk about that a lot? Dwell on it. Write me a script, it'll be better."

"I'm not writing you any scripts," Andy says. "Let's talk more about Obadiah."

"Don't want to talk about my actual dad? I have a lot of issues with him."

"No," Andy says. No one in his life has ever called him Andy, Tony thinks. "We're going to talk about Obadiah."

!

There's some freak called the Mandarin. Rhodey won't tell Tony about it, so naturally he panics. He bets Andy will be excited about that.

He tries to sleep with Natasha, closes his eyes and counts electric sheep. Then someone calls and wakes him up. It's about Happy.

Pepper and Nat and he are standing in a hospital corridor. Nat says, "I like Happy." There's enough menace in her voice that two doctors and a nurse step back and flee. Natasha pushes Tony into Happy's room and says, "I'll deal with this."

He doesn't know what that means. He doesn't know what she's going to do. He just watches Happy breathing on a ventilator. "It's going to be fine," Tony says. "Natasha will deal with this."

Natasha walks him out so he avoids the press. They get back to the house. Tony goes downstairs and starts tracking the Mandarin explosions. He's good at this stuff.

Maya Hansen shows up and Natasha says, "You work for Aldridge Killian." It's the same tone she used when she said she liked Happy. Maya is in big trouble. Then his house is attacked. Natasha gets herself out and apparently evil Maya, Tony gets his suit. They take out three helicopters.

Tony is dragged into the ocean, he panics. Jarvis speaks to him but Tony thinks he is going to die.

The ocean is dark as the sky in space.

He opens his eyes and they're in fucking Tennessee. "Stay with me," he says to Jarvis. "Come on, pal."

He drags the suit through the snow and shivers. His face is bloody, he can feel stinging on his face. "Even with a helmet," he mutters. He's never been able to convince Natasha or Clint to put on a damn helmet even though head hits are the worst. He's so cold and worn down, his whole body is trembling.

He realizes that some of the vibration is from a phone in his pants. He designed the tiny phone for Clint and Natasha to use, he knows he didn't have one. Apparently Natasha thought he needed one. Tony takes out the phone. Natasha says, "Tony," like he just came back from the dead again. She breathes heavily. "Where the fuck are you?"

"Tennessee," Tony says. "Investigating the Mandarin. Wait, do people think I'm dead? Tell Pepper I'm not dead, she's due any day now, she can't take that kind of stress."

Natasha is silent for a moment. Tony says, "Sorry, you know I love you, too, but she's pregnant."

"That's not why I was silent," she says. "I don't worry about you and Pepper like that. I'm going to use the phone to track you, Clint and I will be there tomorrow."

"Thank you," he says.

There's the kid, there's a fight. Clint shows up right at the end and explodes the burning hot guy with an arrow Tony made. Tony has a file. He calls Rhodey. He watches the files.

He panics. He hides it a lot. It's embarrassing in front of the cool, confident man who is probably still having sex with his girlfriend. Clint takes him aside at some point, somewhere in the middle of everything going wrong and people dying and Happy in the hospital.

"You don't have to hide you're freaking out," Clint says.

"I'm fine, like always," Tony says.

"You're really not," Clint says. "It's fine, you know, I got my brain tossed like a salad and all I did was freak out, sometimes I still do. Don't hide it, it passes quicker."

"Great, I'm getting advice from my girlfriend's true love and sexpal," Tony says, rubbing at the cut on his face.

"You're such an idiot," Clint says. "The last time Nat and I had sex was the first time you visited our farm."

"Seriously?" Tony is getting everything wrong lately. "I am an idiot."

"God, yes," Clint says.

The four of them save the day, and Clint makes it home in time to have Christmas with his wife and kids. Christmas day, Tony visits Happy and then goes back to the hotel room Natasha rented for them. "Didn't you want to go to Barton farm town like you usually do?"

"Clint told me you thought we were still sleeping together," Natasha says, smirking at him. "You're an idiot."

"I'm a genius," Tony says. "I'm selectively an idiot about some very specific things."

"At least it's not sex," Natasha says. She takes off her shirt and pants and bra and underwear.

He strips naked, already feeling very jolly.

Maybe because it's Christmas or just because, Natasha starts with her mouth on his dick. Her surprisingly soft touch on his dick and then his dick in her mouth, on her tongue, she looks up at him and he can't, he can't not be right on the edge of fucking coming. She pulls back with that audible pop that he always loves. She says, "Can I fuck you in the ass with this strap on I bought last month?"

"Fuck yeah," he says. He lies on his stomach, pillow under his hips. He comes from fucking the pillow while Natasha's lubed fingers working and working and pressing in his ass.

"If you let me see that after we're done, I can add some supplemental pieces to make it more enjoyable for you," he says.

"Doing this is pretty enjoyable," Natasha says. She teases the tip of the very realistic dildo at his ass, easing in, pulling out, easing in, pulling out. He whimpers and she gets to the fucking, hard and fast.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, keep doing that," Tony says.

He comes again and he hears her coming. Tony says, "Can we do this every Christmas?"

"Every once in awhile, definitely," Natasha says.

A leisurely shower later, they're back on the bed. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't sleeping with Clint anymore?"

Natasha looks away from him, smiles. She says, "You think you're the only one who's a mess at this relationship?"

"You figured I didn't know so you had the escape hatch?"

"Maybe," she says. She's still smiling.

Tony says, "I've decided, probably some time during your amazing deep dicking of me, I'm getting this removed." He taps the reactor. "I know a doctor who'll take it on, and a friend of Bruce's, Dr. Cho, she said to me a few weeks ago, her machine could fix the gaping wound in my chest if I ever had the reactor removed."

"That's a change for you," Natasha says.

"You're not attached to it, are you?"

"Are you?" She taps the reactor herself.

"I'm not. I try to have a positive perspective, but fuck it. This is here to stop me from dying and there are other ways," Tony says. "I'm gonna schedule it for January 2nd. Wanna come?"

"And watch your surgery? Surgeries? Sounds fun," Natasha says.

"I can't tell if you mean it," Tony says. "Since apparently we both suck at this. Could you give me a hint?"

"It sounds gross and scary, but I'll stand outside and wait for you to wake up," Natasha says.

!

Happy is finally out of the hospital. He says, "Take off your shirt again," over and over again to Tony.

"I want beads next time," Tony says. He helps Happy get into his new house. "This has been an exciting project, pal. I've been learning a lot about accessibility and making your life easier."

"Show me without your shirt on," Happy says. Tony steps back from Happy in his wheelchair. Happy says, "That scar is so weird."

"It's settling, okay? I went 5 years with a hole in my chest and while I no longer have the hole or the reactor it still takes time. It's settling," Tony says. "I'm not your shirtless realtor."

Pepper sent over a decorator who took things from Happy's own home. Tony sees pictures of himself from 15 years ago and Pepper from 10 years ago. Pepper sent a picture of her baby girl who has the awful middle names of Antonia Hogan.

"You don't have any pictures of Obie," Tony says.

"You think I should?" Happy wheels himself around the living room and then into the bedroom. "Man, this is a cool bedroom."

"It's designed for your current needs, and we can make some changes as you get more comfortable or mobility improves," Tony says. He points out the machinery to help Happy get dressed and use the bathroom. "Of course, we paid for a nurse, too. Three, in fact."

"Why would I have pictures of Obadiah Stane?"

"He hired you," Tony says.

"You hired me," Happy says. "I was your 15th driver. I only stayed because we get along. I never liked him."

"Yes, you did. That's what everyone says, 'I never liked the guy who turned out to be a bad guy.'"

"No, I never did. Search your memory, genius, I never liked that guy. I didn't know he was as much of an a-hole as he turned out to be, but yeah, I never liked him. He was just like all those other dicks trying to take advantage of you," Happy says. "Oh, man, are you in therapy or something?"

"Of course, I am. Remember when I would have panic attacks every six hours? Natasha suggested it," Tony says.

"She is great in bed," Happy says. "I assume so. You'd tell me if she wasn't, right?"

"No," Tony says. "I wouldn't. But she is."

!

First, he hears Fury is dead. Then he hears Steve had something to do with it. And Steve has disappeared with Natasha.

Tony tries to call her once, knowing she'd never answer and let anyone track her.

He goes to Avenger Tower and digs out an app he made years ago. "Jarvis, this gets erased, buried so deep no one ever finds it. You get it?"

"'I'm clear, sir."

Tony runs his 'where's my shield' app and then lets Jarvis do his thing. So he flies to five blocks outside where the shield pinged. He even ducks into the bathroom of a gas station and makes the painful sacrifice of shaving. He drives up in his nondescript car. He has five nondescript cars just in case he ever has to find Natasha somewhere or pick her up.

He knocks on the door and some attractive man who hasn't had to shave his goatee off answers the door. Nice Facial Hair says, "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for my girlfriend," Tony says.

"You're, hey, Iron Man," Nice Facial Hair says.

"Yes, and I'm dating Black Widow and I know she's here or was here, so please let me in."

Nice Facial hair is named Sam Wilson. He doesn't work for SHIELD. Steve and Natasha told him SHIELD had been compromised. They'd left two hours earlier to get equipment for Sam. "They both seemed pretty shook up."

"Natasha? You thought Natasha was shook up," Tony says. He gets up and paces.

Finally, Natasha and Steve come in with a package for Sam. Natasha says, "Tony," in her happy voice. Her happy relieved voice. He makes her happy. She even hugs him and he holds her tight, feeling for injuries.

"I'm fine," she says.

Steve says, "How did you find us?"

"Remember that time you said you needed a where's my shield app? I built it. Don't worry, it doesn't exist any longer, no one can use it now," Tony says.

There's an awful lot going on and Natasha specifically requests that Tony drives her and only her to the next destination on the spy gig. Tony says, "What's the bad news?"

"There's a lot," Natasha says, staring straight ahead. "I'll go from most emotionally devastating to you to least. Your parents were murdered by Hydra." Tony tries to catch his breath. "Hydra infiltrated SHIELD from the beginning, reshaped the organization. And Nick Fury was murdered."

"Okay," Tony says. "Besides the first thing, that sounds like a lot of awfulness for you specifically. You mean, SHIELD agents work for HYDRA? Knowingly? Cause I know for damn sure you don't and Clint doesn't and Phil doesn't."

"I don't know the exact proportions. But Alexander Pierce is HYDRA. Maybe Jasper Sitwell," Natasha says. "Of course Clint isn't. He doesn't even know. I can't tell him."

"I'll tell him for you," Tony says.

He looks over at her just as she rolls her eyes. "I left the bad guys, Tony. I was working for the good guys."

"You were," Tony said. "SHIELD fixed your head, they fixed it enough that you can sit here and say fuck HYDRA. Not all of it was evil. You're going to fix it."

"Sorry about your parents," Natasha says.

"It's okay, Andy and I have been talking a lot about Dad lately, this is a whole new wrinkle to add to that," Tony says. He puts off processing any of this until he has time to breathe.

He doesn't get that time for a while. He gets to add that he helped create carriers for HYDRA mass murder to his processing pile. At least Fury's not dead.

Finally, he's in the hospital looking at Steve through the window while Nat is sitting next to him. "Bucky Barnes killed my parents," Tony says.

"I think so," Natasha says. "He was brainwashed. Like Clint was, or I was."

"My dad probably recognized him," Tony says.

Natasha sighs. "Sorry you had to kill SHIELD," Tony says.

Two weeks later, Pepper has hired Maria Hill. Natasha was just on TV telling off Congress. He picks her up from Fury's grave where she was talking to Fury, Steve, and Sam. "It's nice you could give Steve those files," Tony says.

"He won't stop looking," Natasha says. "I talked to Clint and Coulson, by the way. You said you would take care of that."

"I said that I would tell Clint for you, I didn't mention Coulson," Tony says. "But I know, you need to make your jokes. You know, now that everyone knows who Natasha Romanov is, can I start bringing you around as my official girlfriend?"

"Are you sure you want to? Who Natasha Romanov is isn't such a fantastic person," Natasha says.

"I've killed more people than you," Tony says.

"That's very comforting," Natasha says. "Were you 10 the first time?"

"I was 16, actually," Tony says. "God, Obie was HYDRA, wasn't he? He probably ordered my parents killed."

"Probably," Natasha says. "Who did you kill when you were 16?"

"I was in Oslo, working on my first Master's, for the degree I hadn't quite finished. I didn't know my father worked for SHIELD but I did know he was very wealthy and famous and there was such a person as the Lindbergh baby. Nevertheless, I never paid much attention to security. So I walked out of a bar, drunk off my ass, probably on something, when a guy clocks from me behind. I wake up, I'm in the back of a van, two guys with guns on me, one guy driving. I've picked up enough Norwegian to know they're not speaking Norwegian and it would be years before I learned conversational Urdu. The van lurches and I grabbed one of the guy's guns. Closed my eyes and started shooting. The van rolls over, I'm the only one alive. Nothing happened to me, of course, my father flew in and it was all brushed away. I had nightmares for months," Tony says.

"You never told me that story," Natasha says.

"I never told anyone. Maybe I'll tell Andy the Shrink, see what he makes of it. It was stupid. They probably just wanted money, we had money to spare. I made my father swear he wouldn't tell my mother and he looked at me like I was an idiot and an asshole. He said of course he would never tell my mother."

Natasha says, "Maybe they didn't want money, maybe they were HYDRA."

"Everyone is HYDRA now," Tony says. "Except me and my baby."

They drive in silence for another half hour. Tony says, "Let's go on vacation. Natasha Romanov, you are dating a billionaire. For over three years, you've been dating a billionaire. You deserve the fanciest of vacations. Somewhere where everything is lush. How do you feel about Capri?"

"No, I went there for work once, before SHIELD," Natasha says.

"Remote island off Ireland?"

"Huh," Natasha says. "I've never been there. Not to an island off Ireland, of course I've been to Ireland."

"You can do anything, girlfriend. You could even marry me," Tony says. He's been thinking about it for at least a week.

"We could," Natasha says. "I do love you, too."

"Look at us, we're great at this relationship stuff."

Natasha almost laughs. "We can talk about it when we're at Inishbofin."

"You've already picked our vacation destination?"

"Believe it or not, Fury told me about it once, it was my first year at SHIELD," Natasha says. "It'll be fun."


End file.
